ORIGINAL AIRDATE: 3.21.17
It’s a Glee reunion. It’s a chance to showcase the musical skills of both the Supergirl and Flash casts. And absolutely nothing else. It’s got nothing to do with the overall villain arcs of either show. Which puts it squarely in the either-you-loved-it-or-you-hated-it zone.
Guess which zone I’m in?
Singing, but not in the Rain.
Now I must admit, because you know I always keep it ? : I didn’t hate all of it. The two parts that I liked were that clip above, and the Winn/Cisco number. They were frankly, just incredible. I had no idea that Melissa could sing like that, same with Jeremy Jordan. I am a musician myself, so there’s no way I could not appreciate the quality of both their voices and their performances. They both blew me away, I kid you not.
That should tell you however, that since I didn’t know who they were prior to Supergirl, I never lived in the Glee world. I don’t know anything about it. I’m not the target audience. And that’s who this episode was for, hands down.
That being the case, especially with the way it ended, it was the biggest eye rolling episode of The Flash I’ve ever seen. It wasn’t just a world crossover, it was also time travel back to the Land of Cheesiness. You can completely skip this episode and miss nothing about either show. That makes it filler. I don’t care if it was musical spectacle filler. It was filler. And it was annoying filler.
Take me to the River
The basic premise, introduced at the end of the last Supergirl episode, is that there’s a new player in town. He’s musical, he’s magical, he’s after both Kara and Barry. Right off the bat they are wrong as two left shoes. They introduce this guy as Music Meister (doesn’t that name just make you want to choke something?) and he’s played by Darren Criss. There’s your setup for the Glee reunion. Read about the actual Music Meister. They got him somewhat right, but this guy is definitely the CW’d version of the character. His powers are slightly altered and they don’t make any sense. That’s for starters. Number two, this guy was as Mxyzptlk as a villain could get. This was a Mxy episode if ever there’s been one. Which makes the ending even more annoying than it was originally. Because it destroys both the premise of the episode and everything that happens in it. My brain already hurts.
Music Meathead has put Kara into a coma, and no one knows why. So Mon-El, Winn, and J’onn transbloop to Earth 1 to enlist the help of Team Flash. Because remember now, all time and world travel is literally as easy as tapping your screen for a cell phone contact. Mon-El (her so not boyfriend) also has a detailed conversation with Team Flash about the state of he and Kara’s relationship……..who does that?
Not better in Song
Barry, now staying with Francesca, has been watching musicals. Thinking about his mom. Funny how she makes an appearance after I posted my Savitar theories on Twitter. He is of course still moping about Iris because what else does Barry do? Anyway Music Moron, upon his unceremonious arrival on Earth 1, takes down both Barry and Wally so fast until I was already done. Yah they need to change the intro to this show. ? Every time Barry meets somebody new, whether friend or foe mind you, they are faster than he is. Someone on Twitter stated that Music Mash had already absorbed Kara’s powers, including her speed. I however want you to think about something: why would a magically powered semi-deity need additional power? If you can travel inter-dimensionally at will, why would you need flight or speed? This version of MM was clearly functionally a member of the Q continuum from Star Trek TNG. This is why show writers need to read comics. Reality manipulators don’t need to steal powers.
Definitely not Kansas
Barry gets whammied by Music Malarky’s alien hypno-eyes. Now he’s in a coma with Kara and they wake up in LaLa Land. No, not the one from the movie of the same name, but a Musical Gangster film set in the 1930’s. Pretty much West Side Story set 20 years earlier with depowered heroes. Barry hears Kara sing and looks like he’s falling in love with her. Can’t blame him on that one. But it brings up another point: Grant and Melissa have tangible chemistry. And it, just like Grant’s chemistry with Danielle, outshines the Barry and Iris relationship. It’s so painfully obvious that I can’t help but laugh at those that try and pretend that’s not true. Chemistry is something that’s either there or it’s not; it can’t be faked or forced. Barry and Kara, and Barry and Caitlin, both those combos are better than Kara and Mon-El, Barry and Iris, and the surprise! pairings we see later in this ep. I actually thought Barry and Kara were going to get together after their first crossover. They hit it off so fast and so easily until both Winn and James couldn’t do anything but sit there and fume.
So blah blah blah, where are we and how do we get home?
Yah they seriously should’ve had a Wicked Witch here. Her non-bathing funk would’ve been more fun to watch.
Thank Rao! Or not.
As expected, because where else was this gonna go? People start showing up. People whose faces we all know but they are now non self-aware characters in this mushroom induced music melee. The gang’s all here, and they’re all in gangs. Cisco, Winn, Malcolm Merlyn, Martin Stein, Joe West, everybody and your momma! Barry and Kara literally react in unison (there’s that chemistry) and realize they are powerless. So they’ve got to play this out. That’s what Music Mookie explains when he shows up. And just like Q, he says that this world is their fault. Right.
It’s got Matrix-style rules, because if they die in this dream world, they die in the real world. Does anybody believe Barry and Kara are gonna die? So they kick off the second fantastic number, Put A Little Love in Your Heart. Sorry but Cisco and Winn kill it. Tech support for the win. So glad they didn’t bring Felicity in on this one. Everything is better when it’s Felicity-less. A club on the head and we’re off to the races.
Our first gangster family is the Stein-Wests. Actually the Fosses. Yes, you read that right. Professor Stein and Joe West are actually a couple in this world. Why? It’s got nothing to do with the story, but whatever. After the obligatory gangster posturing, Joe/Dixie explains that he’s trying to find his missing daughter Millie the Iris. Who is then pedestalized as “the only thing that’s good and decent.” Sure she is. So Kara and Barry go after her. And guess what they find?
EEEYUPERS, Millie and Mon-El are in luh-ove. And of course Jerk-El is Malcolm’s son and their love is forbidden. Also Millie has a joisey accent that is just hilarious to hear coming out of Candice’s mouth. It’s mixed with a lot of Snookie from Jersey Shore. She’s a gun moll! Capice?
Looks like Diet Mxy is stealing Barry and Kara’s powers. Which as I already explained doesn’t make any sense. But Caitlin implies that their life force is going with their powers. Which also doesn’t make any sense, because speedsters and Kryptonians can lose their powers and not die. But we needed some jeopardy back in the real world, so yada yada.
Wally and Cisco spring into action. And then J’onn reveals he’s not just the Special Agent dude. He’s also the freaking Martian Manhunter. While the reveal was really cool, it just goes to show how they have messed over J’onn to favor Kara. Comic book J’onn is on the same level as Superman, and could’ve easily taken down Music Malfunction all by himself. But this is the CW. Characters and their power levels must be sacrificed for the sake of everybody getting screen time. Cisco’s teleportation vibes are now pinpoint accurate and they do a team attack against Glee Boy. Kid Flash and that supersonic punch baybee!
Back in The Gaytrix Reloaded Barry and Kara literally talk Millie and Tommie into revealing their love. With ease. Which they do. I also want you to notice something. Kara’s revulsion over Tommie-El with Millie was more convincing than anything Barry does. Barry never once acts like he’s that bothered by this version of Iris and her love for Lil’ Moran. HE ACTUALLY STANDS UP FOR THEIR LOVE. Once again, any man that was as in love with his woman as Barry purports to be wouldn’t have reacted like that. Barry had more passion for Earth 2 Iris than he does here. He doesn’t seem to not love her there. I also want you to notice that every alternate version of Iris we’ve met so far is ten times more interesting than our regular one. Because they write her so poorly. Cue More I Could Not Wish You.
Yah we knew that was a smoke screen. All the gangster dads involved are like, “time to go to war.” And I’m like, is this travesty of an episode over yet?
I’m your Super Friend, fool.
Unbelievably, Mon-El and Iris confront Music Masticator in the pipeline and guess what has to happen? They have to BAMF! to DreamWorld and save their paramours. I kid you not. And they do so with Cisco’s help because he can’t miss now. But not before Barry and Kara dance and sing together. To an original song that Winn plays called I’m Your Super Friend. With tap dancing. Oh look Melissa and Grant can cut a rug, how fortuitous! No seriously I felt the puke coming up with this one.
Then they dissed Superman right in the middle of the song. Which was the uncoolest thing I’ve seen in three years of watching The Flash. They keep trying to make Kara the premiere Kryptonian. But she’s not. Kal-El was first, debuting in 1938. Supergirl came on the scene in 1958, and then as we know her today in 1959. It doesn’t matter how much revisionist history certain idiots engage in, Kara is a spinoff character. From an original male character that is the father of superheroes as we know them. She doesn’t have her own origin, costume, or powers. She’s an offshoot of him. The thing about ignoring facts in favor of social justice agendas is, it causes unavoidable cognitive dissonance in those who do it. Know why? Because truth is not malleable. It doesn’t bend just because people don’t like it. It just drives those that try to reshape it crazy. That’s why fact-ignorers are always so insane. Kara Zor-El is not greater than her cousin. She will never be what Kal-El is. Period.
Also, I kid you not, this number shows why Barry and Kara make such a good couple.
War of the Worlds: Dance version
Gangsta stand off. With bullets. Kara and Barry get mortally wounded. Of course they do. So Iris and Mon-El show up and I knew we’d get a Matrix ending, where Iris’ magic kiss would resurrect him. And it did. Then Music Mxy shows up out of nowhere, having effortlessly escaped his pipeline cage. He then explains that his whole motive here was to teach our hapless couples a lesson. The lesson that their love was worth fighting for, and they needed to see that. Which still doesn’t explain the way he kept tormenting Wally. But whatever. He then alludes to them not even being able to understand where he comes from, and he vanishes. Okay once again, a Deus Ex Machina villain. I can’t stand them. It solidifies that everything he did made no sense whatsoever. And all of that just to watch the chemistry-less main couples reconcile? After watching a clearly better matched Barry and Kara? No there was real pain in my abdomen over the amount of bile my liver secreted watching this tripe. It was so ABC After School Special cheesy until I thought an adult was gonna come out and say “remember kids; before you put on your costume, energize at sunrise with a gooooood breakfast.”
Is there an Emmy award for how many times a show can make its audience eye roll?
WELP. Hopefully next week we get back to Savitar. Because at the end of this one, Kara and Mon-El reunite. Yah because THAT’S mondo important. They even do a nod to Caitlin knowing that Barry can sing. Remember, that timeline should be gone because Reverse Flash leaves and technically doesn’t become Wells. Which makes Eddie’s death unnecessary. But the particle accelerator still exploded. Which would also mean that Caitlin had her frost powers back in the karaoke episode. But whatever, don’t hurt your soul trying to make continuity happen on this show.
Barry re-proposes to Iris. After serenading her with his iPhone love music. What. stinking. ever. That was the shortest “we need some space” arc in the history of history. I can’t even describe how cringe inducing it was. I literally had to turn away while it was happening. Just no.
Next up? Iris learns to do surgery. You think I’m joking. Wish I wasn’t. But hey, musicals have the power to make everything better! Because Nora Allen says so.